I love photos, especially those from the past. There is usually much to laugh about when you look at hairstyles and clothing. My photo from the 1990’s is no exception. Look at those bangs and braces! Either way, those old photos are no longer a current representation as I’ve changed quite a bit over the past 32 years. Same for you I’m sure, although some of those styles seem to be making a comeback!
Just like my photos show how I’ve changed, my infertility journey is proof I am not the same person when I started. The posts you see are over 2.5 years in the making. They are the result of wandering in the wilderness of waiting, aka infertility. It’s over 30 consecutive months of extreme lows, bottomless tears and what feels like physical heartbreak. The hardest part has been the roller coaster of getting your hopes up only to deal with disappointment. Every. Month. Toss in anger, frustration, bitterness and viola, that was me in a nutshell. I had never experienced such deep and continuous negative emotions in my life. All brought on by a situation beyond my control. In my mind, 2.5 years is a long time, but they have gone by in a blur. Mostly because back then, and still some today, I was in such a rush to get past our infertility. I just wanted to find out what was wrong, fix it and get pregnant. That was it. Forget any greater purpose or plan. I have begged and pleaded with God to answer my why, show me His plan and tell me if we will ever conceive. I was tired of only getting by month to month, tethered to the calendar and any old wives tale that “might” get us pregnant.
Only these past six months, has my attitude and heart changed. Not by my doing, but God slowly reshaping my thoughts and actions. It has been a process; one which I have not always been ready or willing to accept. God shared that He had more than just one goal in mind during this journey. He wanted to transform me during our wait. He did not want me to waste it, but Live in the Wait. In the beginning, I would not have been able to write any of my posts, much less have a blog. If we would have been on a different path, I guarantee you would not be reading this right now. Part of my transformation is my emotions. I still experience those listed above, but instead of letting them consume me, I give it over to God. I still dream of expanding our family, but those thoughts aren’t detrimental to my everyday life. I am focusing more on Living in the Wait, instead of skipping over it, all while asking God to use me for His purpose. I won’t go so far as to say it was a blessing… yet. No offense, If I had my choice, I would much rather be sleep deprived because of a newborn versus blogging.
Maybe you know you are in the middle of a transformation, but your heart isn’t ready. That’s ok. Pray about it and ask God to work through you. Pray that he would prepare you to be willing to accept His plan, despite not knowing it. As you invite God to work in your life, you will start to see a change and others will notice it too.
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Please share with someone you know who could use some encouragement in the wait.