I was so focused on getting pregnant, I didn’t spend much time thinking about what happens when we do. Simply stated, I wasn’t emotionally prepared for life after infertility, because honestly, there was always a part of me that never knew if it would happen.
I’m still grasping how one day you aren’t pregnant and the next you are. I never thought any emotion other than excitement would be a part of my vocabulary when that time would come, but I’ve noticed our excitement is tied to our heartache and it’s something we weren’t prepared for. Our soon to be bundle of joy is wrapped up in complicated heart matters that don’t instantly go away when you get the positive test. It took us 3 years to muddle our way through the emotions of infertility, so it makes sense that those heavy feelings don’t instantly go away.
I think I was naive in thinking my fears and worries would disappear once we got pregnant, only to find out, they have shifted to a different wait. Before, I was afraid we would never get pregnant and now it’s hoping and praying we deliver a healthy, living, breathing baby.
While our wait to become pregnant (this time around) is over, I know our waiting is not. In my heart, our wait to expand our family is not over until our baby is physically in my arms. Getting pregnant, staying pregnant and delivering a healthy baby, is something I don’t take for granted.
I say this not to detract from our excitement or come across being unthankful, but realistic. I guess in a way that’s what infertility has done. Call it being jaded, but it’s uncovered the difficult truths in life that are rarely talked about: disappointment, heartache, miscarriage, pregnancy loss, stillbirths, etc. Life is precious, I always knew that, but our experience with infertility has heightened my awareness to what that really means.
I share this because maybe you can relate. The very thing you have been waiting for has been received, and yet, you still feel like you’re waiting. Or you feel conflicted because you got what you prayed for, and yet some of the heavy emotions are still lingering.
This is uncharted territory so I don’t have all the answers, but I’m finding that both heartache and excitement can coexist. And what I do know, is that it’s a reminder to live in the wait, because what comes after isn’t always guaranteed. That’s why I’m making the most of being pregnant. I don’t want to rush this process because I know what a gift it is and I don’t know if I’ll get to do it again.
Please share with someone you know who could use some encouragement in the wait.