The Wait List – Jalina

The Wait List
features guest posts from people just like you and me, all sharing a coming thread of you guessed it, waiting. No one wants to be on the wait list, but through these features, I hope you find encouragement and see all the miraculous ways God works through us during that time. If you are interested in sharing your story on The Wait List, please contact me.

Guest post written by Jalina.

What one thing were you waiting for?
While I did experience nearly 3 years of infertility, and I do have two rainbow babies, the wait I feel called to share is our most recent wait of 16 days for a viability scan. It was a different kind of two-week wait than I had become accustomed to, especially since I had always been an early tester and never did manage to wait the full two weeks from ovulation to take a pregnancy test. On Wednesday, February 20th, I was scheduled for my first prenatal visit for my fifth pregnancy. Our previous two losses happened very quickly, so making it to our ultrasound appointment was a huge milestone. That day, the ultrasound technologist was unable to find an embryo, only a gestational sac that measured 6 weeks when I should have been 8 weeks. The doctor seemed hopeless, but the midwife instructed me to continue taking my baby aspirin and prenatal vitamins until we knew anything for sure. Thus began our 16-day wait for our baby to make an appearance on the ultrasound screen, heartbeat and all.

How did God help you in your wait? How did you continue to Live in the Wait?
God was so good to us in our wait. Just weeks before this particular wait began, I felt him calling me to trust him with the timing of our next baby. From that moment, I heard him speaking to me constantly through songs repeated on the radio and well-timed Bible verses in my daily readings. I felt like he was preparing me for battle, equipping me with truth and encouragement which I could reference when times got tough. Never did we expect after our struggles to conceive our two boys that we would become miraculously and naturally pregnant just one week after this calling. However, I was all too familiar with the notion that pregnancy does not mean you get to hold a baby.

Just one year before, he had called me to share my story of infertility and loss. Little did I know, he was bringing me hundreds of prayer warriors who had experienced infertility and loss themselves and who would help carry me through the next few weeks. My husband and I felt a genuine peace and hope during our wait that only God could provide. We found joy in the everyday moments. We enjoyed our children without fear of how a miscarriage might indirectly affect them. We continued our daily routines, including church on Sundays, and Anthony even went to an all-day Christian men’s conference one Saturday. We did not live in the “what if,” (a hard-learned lesson) but celebrated each day our newest little baby was still growing inside me. We trusted God that his ways were higher and that no matter the outcome, he would reveal goodness and purpose. We knew if we lost this baby, God would see us through, and that trust allowed us to continue with active, worshipful joy instead of paralyzing fear.

Was what you were waiting for received? If not, how did God provide differently instead?
Sadly, we did not hear that heartbeat at our next appointment. On March 6th, 2019, just two days before our viability scan, our baby was born into heaven at 11 weeks gestation. I wasn’t far enough along to know the gender, but we gave our baby the name Shiloh, meaning “peace.” Through it all, God has covered us in the peace that transcends human understanding.

God showed us so much love and mercy through our wait and our loss. He had already worked in our hearts in previous years to draw us toward him, which made this loss easier to cope with than our first two losses. While I had subtle signs of miscarriage for several days, I lost the baby as soon as I had put both my boys down for their naps and just half an hour before my husband got off work., giving me a few minutes to grieve and process on my own but not a long time to wait for my husband to come home. Then, since both boys were sleeping, we had time to process the initial grief and shock together without having to simultaneously care for our boys. My husband is unable to take Mondays and Tuesdays off, but since the loss happened on a Wednesday, he was able to take the following four days off with me.

God was especially merciful during our appointment the following Friday. Instead of pregnant bellies and newborn babies that tend to fill OB/GYN waiting rooms and can be especially triggering after a pregnancy loss, the waiting room was filled with sweet elderly women and their families. I had the same ultrasound technologist as I had at my previous appointment, which spared me the pain of having to recount my history and situation. My midwife was incredibly validating and compassionate, offering me pregnancy loss support resources and going out of her way to answer my questions.

Finally, my HCG level the day of my appointment was 828, which brought to mind my second favorite verse through miscarriage: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” Romans 8:28. God is already revealing purpose through the life and loss of my baby, Shiloh. This truth brings me great comfort.

What advice would you give to someone else who is in the waiting?
As hard as it is, we can’t live in the fear of “what if.” There will always be pain and suffering, if not now, then later. It is a sad result of the broken world we live in. What we can do is trust that no matter the outcome, God will provide. He will guide you through, and he will reveal goodness and purpose through your suffering if you are open to what that means. That doesn’t make your waiting and suffering easy or okay. It just makes it possible to replace the fear of tomorrow with the joy of today. I now understand what it means to give our worries to God, and it is my prayer that every woman in the wait will genuinely come to understand what that means too.

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Please share with someone you know who could use some encouragement in the wait.

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